Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NFL. Show all posts

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The Enemy Of My Enemy...


There has been a lot of discussion recently regarding the merits of the hit show 24. The program has been described as propagandist and fear-mongering among other things, but has nevertheless retained a loyal fan-base.

In the past, I've considered myself a part of that fanbase but my loyalty is waning, and not because of those concerns. Although I can't say I'm able to determine exactly when, it seems as though the show "jumped the shark" at some point. 24 has a number of cookie-cutter elements in its style and plot that seem to be recycled year after year, and while that's obviously not an opinion that the show's producers are hoping other viewers share, it's also not necessarily the worst thing seeing as how you've always had to shut your brain off to enjoy the show anyways. I also understand that despite complaints that 24 has attempted to snowball the fear of terrorism–taking what exists in some natural and perhaps rational form and allegedly making it into something that causes both social prejudices and political biases–it remains a business enterprise that cares first and foremost about entertaining its audience. In order to do so, the show has had to broaden its scope–or up the ante, if you will–every year since its inception, building up to its recent nuclear detonation in Los Angeles. While the producers may or may not have ulterior motives, I abstain from judgment because of that single predominate fact.

Aside from the nuclear bombing, what I've noticed this season are the obvious links to the seemingly forgotten 1998 film, The Siege. Just as in 24, The Siege featured a heroic federal agent (played by Denzel Washington) doing his best to end a horrific string of terrorist attacks before an overzealous government can destroy what's left of the Constitution by interning Muslims in the name of national safety. It has been suggested from the first episode of this season's 24 that this will happen sometime over the course of the season's "day," so I'm sure that it will, as the show has always been anything but understated in its foreshadowing. However, just as in The Siege, there are a number of "good guys" campaigning against such an action, and so I'm equally certain that there will be a resolution by season's end in which racial profiling in its largest and most grotesque form is determined once and for all to be wholly un-American and against what our men and women have always fought for. Along with the excellent, excellent movie currently in theatres, Children of Men, and the classic novel 1984, both The Siege and this season's 24 begin by scaring you–or at least establishing a scared society–and then (in 24's case, hopefully) go on to show how dangerous that fear can become. This time, Jack Bauer won't save us from who we supposedly hate, but being the All-American that he is, will instead save us from becoming what we're supposed to hate. Of course if he has to torture a few dozen people along the way, oh well, because that is, after all, apparently what audiences want to see...and Dubya's already seen to it that it be allowed anyway.

Among the other dangers you'll find while patrolling the boob tube:

In regard to the NFL Playoffs, Colbert warned us and now it's happened: The number one threat to America, Bears, devoured Saints on Sunday, and not just any Saints, but New Orleans Saints. As if that's not enough, Patriots were also defeated, and by Peyton Manning of all people.

Grey's Anatomy continues to expose the truth that only the best HMO's offer doctors who are so attractive that they can't resist sleeping with each other before, after, and perhaps even during surgeries. Meanwhile, Ugly Betty reminds us that ugly people do indeed exist and that we have to tolerate them despite it, and perhaps even go so far as to look for this so-called "inner beauty" thing.

Perhaps no one watches it, but that doesn't change the fact that America's Funniest Videos is still on the air, which makes you wonder if the -est suffix has remained for too long. By this point, they must surely be reduced to "America's Funnier Videos Than Yours", or "America's Funny Videos of Cats Doing Silly Things," or perhaps "YouTube For People Without The Internet."

FOX News continues to prove that conservatives are funnier than liberals without even trying.

(Speaking of which, Colbert and O'Reilly recently exchanged appearances on each other's shows, and while I was expecting my head to blow up at some point, it sadly did not. If this had been a Pay-Per-View wrestling event and if I were a redneck or lived in my parents' basement, I totally would have asked for my $39.95 back. Stewart-Carlson II this was not.)

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

When Athletes Attack


Every so very often, the wide, wide world of sports collides with the much more narrow and boring world that we actually live in. The nature of these intersections are as remarkable and astonishing as they are contrived, coincidental, or completely fabricated. Reader discretion is pretentious.


The Texas Rangers have offered 38-year-old future Hall-of-Famer Sammy Sosa a non-guaranteed contract, giving him the chance to make the team in spring training. Sosa made his Major League debut with the Rangers in 1989, but was traded away a month later, only a few short months after Dubya had become managing general partner of the ballclub. Sosa hit the first home run of his career while wearing a Rangers uniform and then went on to hit the 587 others for teams not run by future Presidents. Fifth all-time in career home runs, Sosa hit 64 homers as recently as 2001, but has been away from the game for the past two years after earning receiving $17 million in 2005 while hitting only 14 home runs with a .221 batting average. If the pattern follows Dubya to the capital, his successors in the White House will withdraw troops from Iraq once it's far too late and the situation is a total embarrassment.

Despite just forming an exploratory committee on Tuesday, Sen. Barack Obama was ready to announce that his home state's Chicago Bears would defeat the American sweetheart New Orleans Saints in Sunday's NFC Championship, saying, "I am happy for New Orleans. I think it's a wonderful story for their city, but this fairy tale ends when they come to Chicago." Meanwhile, the cohesive entity known to all simply as "Brangelina" can be assumed to support their New Orleans Saints counterparts in the matchup, having recently bought a fixer-upper in the Lower Ninth Ward $3.5 million, six-bed mansion in the French Quarter, and of course, being saints themselves. Regardless of who wins the NFC Championship on Sunday, ask John Kerry and he'll tell you that they're only going to lose to Manny Ortiz and the New England Patriots two weeks later in the Super Bowl anyway.

The NFL has rejected Britney Spears' offer to appear in a Super Bowl commercial for its NFL Network, citing through a source that, "She's too much of a train wreck. Besides, we already have Paris Hilton." The spot involves "an eclectic group of celebrity friends" attending Cincinnati Bengal receiver Chad Johnson's Super Bowl party, including Hilton, LL Cool J, and Martha Stewart, as well as hopeful participants Alien Janet Reno and Predator. Aside from Spears, it seems as though whether you're a multi-billion dollar corporation, a millionaire playboy, or a hundredaire undergrad, you may need to reevaluate your standards when Paris Hilton is deemed acceptable. However in the end, the entire discussion may be moot because if the advertisement accurately represents the NFL Network, no one will see it anyway.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Headlines


In the news media system, there are two separate yet equally unimportant groups of headlines: the inane, whose comedy is entirely superficial, and the slightly more interesting, which are simply not compelling enough for me to endlessly blather on about. These are their stories. DUN-DUN!

In the Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs on Sunday, the New England Patriots came from behind to upend the Whale's Vagina Chargers, 24-21. Larry David is in negotiations to pen a Sour Grapes sequel with the lead role awarded to star Chargers running back, LaDainian Tomlinson. Just as he did on Sunday, Shawne Merriman hopes to make a cameo appearance, barring any difficulty fitting his steroid-engorged head in the camera frame. In the meantime, Merriman waits at home with the Lights Out, enjoying a tub of popcorn as he watches the NFL Playoffs unfold.

It's been discovered that in 1956, the French government proposed to unite the nation with Britain, going so far as offering to accept the rule of Queen Elizabeth II. Joan of Arc could not be reached for comment, but pundits have gone on to discuss the possible unions of Israel and Pakistan; the United States and Mexico; as well as Luxembourg and anyone.

The trial of a former Coca-Cola secretary accused of stealing company secrets is set to begin on Tuesday with jury selection. In order to ensure potential jurors' impartiality, each pool member will be subjected to a blind taste-test with those preferring Pepsi excused for cause. In addition to confidential documents, Joya Williams is said to have taken unreleased product samples including what is mysteriously referred to in the indictment as "Project N......." Educator-in-Chief has learned from non-existent sources that "Project N......." is the elliptical code name of the soon-to-not-be-released "Supercharged Diet Cherry Vanilla Mocha Green Tea Quench AM, Ph.D."