Headlines

In the news media system, there are two separate yet equally unimportant groups of headlines: the inane, whose comedy is entirely superficial, and the slightly more interesting, which are simply not compelling enough for me to endlessly blather on about. These are their stories. DUN-DUN!

In the Divisional Round of the NFL Playoffs on Sunday, the New England Patriots came from behind to upend the Whale's Vagina Chargers, 24-21. Larry David is in negotiations to pen a Sour Grapes sequel with the lead role awarded to star Chargers running back, LaDainian Tomlinson. Just as he did on Sunday, Shawne Merriman hopes to make a cameo appearance, barring any difficulty fitting his steroid-engorged head in the camera frame. In the meantime, Merriman waits at home with the Lights Out, enjoying a tub of popcorn as he watches the NFL Playoffs unfold.

It's been discovered that in 1956, the French government proposed to unite the nation with Britain, going so far as offering to accept the rule of Queen Elizabeth II. Joan of Arc could not be reached for comment, but pundits have gone on to discuss the possible unions of Israel and Pakistan; the United States and Mexico; as well as Luxembourg and anyone.

The trial of a former Coca-Cola secretary accused of stealing company secrets is set to begin on Tuesday with jury selection. In order to ensure potential jurors' impartiality, each pool member will be subjected to a blind taste-test with those preferring Pepsi excused for cause. In addition to confidential documents, Joya Williams is said to have taken unreleased product samples including what is mysteriously referred to in the indictment as "Project N......." Educator-in-Chief has learned from non-existent sources that "Project N......." is the elliptical code name of the soon-to-not-be-released "Supercharged Diet Cherry Vanilla Mocha Green Tea Quench AM, Ph.D."