Danger, Will Robinson!

Despite its failure to make significant breakthroughs to eliminate voter discrepencies, revolutionize peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,produce anti-RPG weapons, or annihilate cockroaches once and for all, technology is advancing at a record pace, constantly offering new and exciting possibilities. It's also responsible for the following:

Steve Jobs recently unveiled Apple's new iPhone, boasting an array of features including mp3 and video playback, e-mail and internet access, along with a camera and photo-viewer, all in addition to its normal cell phone capabilities. It remains uncertain whether the iPhone will also include a self-igniting function. Also, despite its capacity to hold thousands of phone numbers, it will lack the miraculous technology to help its nerd owners get any numbers. (Read this paragraph to read: "I want one.")

A chimpanzee in a Louisiana sanctuary has given birth despite the fact that all resident males have had vasectomies. The facility, Chimp Haven, provides long-term care for chimps "retired" from laboratory research; there is no word on how the other chimps feel about sharing quarters with a screaming toddler through their golden years. Once the identity of the father is determined, the Chimp Haven staff plan to take him back to the veterinarian for another vasectomy attempt, relying on the hope that he fails to remember what happened the last time they got him in the car by telling him that they were "going to the park."

Along with vasectomies, liposuction surgery doesn't exactly represent cutting edge technology, but a starving artist in Santiago, Chile has found a disturbing new use for it. "Ladies and gentleman, bon appetit and may god bless," Marco Evaristti told his dinner guests after serving them meatballs that were cooked with the fat extracted from his own body. Not mentioned was the fact that the accompanying "angel hair" pasta was actually his own back hair. God bless indeed.